because I want to remember

As I was updating the blog the other day I saw this post that was written in april that was never published about Baxter. Not sure why I never posted it??? Baxter passed away for reasons that are unknown and while it was really sad and we still really miss him i was blown away by my childrens actions. So here it is.....

I said permanent break and here I am...posting AGAIN. But this is something that I want to remember forever and you know how your memory can seem to fade over time so I'm putting it permanently in the blog so that the details are there exactly as they happened.

we had something really sad happen to our family last week. we lost our family member that changed wade and I from a newlywed couple to a "family of three". It is a well known fact in this family that "baxter is mama's dog and hank is daddy's" and so I found it very fitting that I was the one that "found" MY dog in the garage one morning in a permanent sleep. After a freak-out moment and a "Lord give me strength to not totally lose it in front of my children", we shuffled all of the girls off to their schools without telling them A WORD because we didn't want them {mainly emma} sitting at school and not being able to ask me questions about baxter dying and we thought that telling ALL THREE at the SAME time {after emma got home from school} would be the best thing for them. and then it got weird. amazingly weird.


After Wade, the man in a full suit and the pet service hearse left {not kidding}, I just stayed at home for the rest of the morning. My heart really, really hurt. My heart still really hurts. Anyway, so when I picked the little girls up from school I had to take them with me to the grocery store because I hadn't gotten anything done all morning. So as we were leaving Publix, Lucy turns to me and says, "Mama, I see pretend Baxter in the sky." My mouth dropped to the ground. She continues, "Not real Baxter mama, real Baxter at home. I see pretend Baxter in the sky." At this point, I'm pretty sure the only thing that came out of my mouth was "WHAT?!?" and then she says, "Mama, get him down, I want to give him kisses." So by this time, I am texting Wade word for word because I can't even believe what she is saying and he texts me back "oh you told the little girls already, how did they take it?" and I texted, "I haven't told girlfriend ANYTHING!"

So then my own little personal "Heaven is for real" child just continued to say over and over that she sees "pretend Baxter in the sky" the whole rest of the afternoon and at one point she was waving to the clouds and saying "I love you." I recorded it on my I-phone if anyone wants to see because I started to wonder if anyone would even believe me. And the funny thing is that after I told her that Baxter had died, she stopped talking about it. I can't really explain what happened. I really can't. But I do know that I will remember it forever. And I will remember HIM forever too. And in case you're wondering how emma took the sad news, well...it was one of my proudest moments. As I am bawling {and squawling} and barely able to even get the words out of my mouth she said, "Mom, I'm just thankful for the years I had with Baxter and I know he is in Heaven with Jesus." then she starts patting me on the back and saying "mom, don't be sad. baxter's with Jesus - it's okay." ummm...who's the 34 year old and who's the 6 year old?!? sheesh. and this little dude is getting all sorts of attention and love and attention. Two days after we lost Baxter, I wheeled into the vet on two wheels and demanded that they inspect Hank from head to toe and made them promise me that there was nothing that would cause me to find another dog dead in my garage. And I'm pretty sure the words "owner now has issues" is now written in his vet chart! But we are trying to do the best we can to make him not sad because he lost his buddy.